The Barryfest Chronicles

Dear Sarah,

It wasn’t too long ago I declared war on you and the types of people that subscribe to your irritating brand of anti-intellectual populism.  See, after your reprehensible campaign antics spiked the enthusiasm already cursing through my veins with a toxic dose of vitriol, I went from simply supporting Barack Obama and his message of change to promising not to let any misinformed comment made by your uneducated, bigoted, racist followers go unchecked, regardless of the context or situation.  I was angry, and I was letting everyone know it.

But not only was I locking political horns with every Republican I could find, I also started flying off the handle in unrelated situations.  I was yelling at my neighbors when they asked me to turn down the Chromeo, and shattering empty High Life bottles on the sidewalk outside of Pat Fannie’s because they don’t allow indoor heaters.  You got me riled up, Sarah.  And my aggression was unfortunately extending beyond mere political discourse.

This type of militant liberalism and general douchebaggery was exhausting, for sure.  But ever since that Tuesday night when staffers banned you from the podium as John McCain was graciously conceding defeat in the presidential election, my blood has calmed. Read the rest of this entry »

Please excuse my tardiness, as I know that I am a day late on posting my personal reaction to the presidential election.  I spent the better part of yesterday in my office with the door shut and my head in my hands, trying my best to hide the most vicious weekday hangover I’ve nursed at work since the days of Wednesday night Tickle Fight rehearsals back in Minneapolis.

Barack Obama won in a landslide on Tuesday, and I can’t think of a better reason than the dawn of a new era to tie one on so early in the work-week.  But Obama wasn’t the only person that won.  Add my name to the list of winners, and while you are at it, throw yourself on there as well. Read the rest of this entry »

“That was the sweetest, but also the saltiest, victory ever.” -Kenny

Another season of RW/RR Challenge is in the record books, and I don’t know about you, but I have this bizarre urge to quit smoking and join the Army.  And although I find the “Sunny Side of truth” and “Army Strong” ads equally asinine, I have to admit that the media buyers vying for MTV airtime have got the viewing demographic at least half right.  But how effective can even a well placed anti-smoking campaign really be when, right after the corny PSAs air, they cut back to a bunch of hip young derelicts looking cool as they grill heaters while getting shitfaced on a beach?

And I have to think that the mere presence of Dan on this challenge has the bean counters in the US Army marketing department wincing each time the camera shifts to him during an episode.  All the money they are spending to underwrite the production of the show and buy ad time during the commercial breaks can’t change the fact that the one member of the cast who is a actual veteran of the Armed Forces has shown himself to be nothing more than an alcoholic with a notable track record of violent mood swings and piss-poor performance when he gets the chance to win a key.  I sincerely appreciate his valiant service in the defense of our country, but I haven’t quite figured out what “core Army characteristic” is exemplified by getting into an absurd argument and then passing out in a drunken stupor every night for a solid month. Read the rest of this entry »

I always been a pretty big fan of Halloween.  As a kid, I vaguely remember that the unpredictable Chicago weather always seemed to cooperate and that my neighborhood was consistently pretty solid when it came to the trick-or-treat candy that was being doled out.  And then in college, my fraternity’s big party of the year was called “Phright Night,” which was a huge costume bash we held at this incredible barn in the far west suburbs.  It took about a dozen buses to ship everyone out there, and at some point it became tradition to stock each bus with about 15 boxes of Franzia to keep people hydrated during the hour long commute.

So I was pumping pretty hard last night when I hit my first Halloween party of the year.  I dusted off the sweet Hunter S. Thompson/Raoul Duke ensemble I have been assembling for the last few years and was wowed by all the equally impressive costumes donned by the other party-goers.  All your classics were there:  the throwback basketball team, a few mummies, some guy in a priest outfit making NAMBLA jokes; and, of course, a litany of girls dressed as a sexy version of every public and private sector career under the sun.  It was pretty great. Read the rest of this entry »

The other day, I figured out that supporting facts and supporting the McCain/Palin campaign are two mutually exclusive positions.  I am not even saying that you have to be one of those people who knows a lot of facts or is even particularly good at remembering facts.  But if you have even the smallest appreciation for the beauty and simplicity of a well-stated and verifiable fact, this campaign season has got to be wearing on you.

This total disregard for truth is only part of the GOP’s anti-intellectual, populist movement that has effectively turned me into a radical intellectual militant.  I feel like I am forced to assume that if anyone out there is still planning to cast a vote for John McCain, it is likely a result of his or her below-average intellect.  I have to figure that he or she is no different than the horrifically misinformed dolts that file into the crowd for a Sarah Palin speech and proceed to slur African-American members of the media covering the event and share their desire to assassinate the man on the other side of the ticket. Read the rest of this entry »

Dear Elizabeth,

I know there are a lot of reasons people choose their particular political affiliation.  Each party and candidate has to take a stance on a variety of issues, and I realize that different issues resonate differently with different people.  Some people vote based on their economic situation, others look to their views about foreign war, and some actually rely solely on their religious views.

Sure, it would make far more sense for voters to weigh the relative importance of all a candidate’s positions in regard to the current challenges facing our nation and make an informed decision based on all factors, but I get what an unrealistic prospect this is.  And I’m really okay with that, as long as people are truthful about their intentions.

If you are most concerned with protecting your wealth, just admit that you don’t want to cast a vote that will take money out of your pocket.  If you are a highly religious, just admit that you would never support a candidate who supports a woman’s right to choose. If you are a bigot, just admit that you favor discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Read the rest of this entry »

“That’s the best docking station on the market right now, for sure” – TJ Lavin

Looking back, I don’t think I have ever been part any elite groups of rabid followers of groundbreaking shows during their original broadcast run.  I just got into The Wire this summer, have never seen a full episode of Lost or Heroes or Weeds, and got on The Sopranos bandwagon late and fell off in short order.

So last summer, when HBO started pumping their new drama John From Cincinnati, I cleared my schedule for the premier and – even though it left me wholly confused and underwhelmed – was determined to struggle through the boring exposition of the contrived and nonsensical story so a few years down the line when the show was sweeping the Emmys (or being triumphantly snubbed), I could say I was there from the start.

I wouldn’t exactly call this plan successful, as John From Cincinnati quickly went from bad to worse and was canceled immediately after the last episode of the first season aired.  But I survived a brutal test of patience and mettle, and I think I am a better man for it.  For those were the qualities that I was calling on during the first two and half episodes if The Island, and they did not fail me. Read the rest of this entry »

“In the olden times, they used to take the most beautiful man in the village and make him king.”  -Kenny

There were plenty of things that made the last season of The Real World interesting.  Not least of which was the fact that MTV was finally admitting (or at least acknowledging) the recent devolution of what used to be their most relevant brand.  Starting around the time they got the cameras rolling in Key West, almost every cast member of every season since has entered the Real World house with only one goal: cultivate a memorable persona to push back the “Sell By” date on whatever new found celebrity they emerge with after the series airs.  Whether they were forthcoming about this or not, they all wanted to be famous.

So when I found out the premise of The Real World: Hollywood – all the roommates are fully disclosing their aspirations to be actors/producers/models/music artists/TV personalities right off the bat and their “job” for the season involves little more than taking improv lessons from the woman who set Andy Dick loose on the world and making show biz connections – I was not at all surprised that MTV was voluntarily yanking whatever wool remained from over the eyes of the small population that still watched the network’s shows in earnest.  Although I ended up enjoying the season, I was a bit disappointed and missed the artistry required of the producers and host city to devise hokey jobs that serve no public good and only offer a thin semblance of responsibility. Read the rest of this entry »

Another Olympiad is in the books, and what a doozie this one was.  The Redeem Team brought the basketball gold back to it’s rightful home, Michael Phelps was 8 for 8 in getting his dick whet, and I discovered that the most enjoyable way to watch woman’s gymnastics is while sipping a Sazerac at Columns.

But I still feel a little dirty now that it is all over.  And it’s not just because I watched a shitload of beach volleyball. I think we let China off the hook.

What ever happened to boycotting the Opening Ceremony?  I thought that was the big compromise that majority of the free world was going to make.  Obviously, a boycott of the events themselves is unfair to the athletes and really counterproductive, but I was actually pretty excited to see who would actually sit out during the opening ceremony.  If anyone deserves a passive-aggressive “Fuck You” on the international stage, it is China. Read the rest of this entry »

You read that right.  Matt Grevers is my best friend.  Or at least that is what I have been telling everyone I know since he won two Olympic medals this week.  It is really not that big of a deal, really, just the obvious next step in our relationship.  See, we have been growing closer and closer over the last month and a half.  You know, back when he qualified for the Olympics.

Yep, each time I spread the news of his swimming prowess to anyone I did not go to college with, he became a bigger and bigger part of my life.  Sure, it started out plenty truthful – me explaining that we were in the same fraternity, he was a year younger than me, I would see him fairly often, mostly around the house or at events and stuff -  but escalated quickly from there.  Before I knew it, it became:

“Didn’t a swimmer from Northwestern qualify for the Olympics? You wouldn’t happen to know him, would you?” someone would ask.

“Know him?  He was the best man at my wedding.  So, yeah, I guess you could say we’re pretty tight.” I would quickly reply.

It got a bit out of hand.  But lost in the fake details of my egregious exaggeration of our relationship are a few very solid truths about the newest American Hero:

1. He’s a real good dude.
2. I beat him in a dance-off at a date party a few years ago.

Congratulations, Grevers.