The Barryfest Chronicles

Dear Sarah,

It wasn’t too long ago I declared war on you and the types of people that subscribe to your irritating brand of anti-intellectual populism.  See, after your reprehensible campaign antics spiked the enthusiasm already cursing through my veins with a toxic dose of vitriol, I went from simply supporting Barack Obama and his message of change to promising not to let any misinformed comment made by your uneducated, bigoted, racist followers go unchecked, regardless of the context or situation.  I was angry, and I was letting everyone know it.

But not only was I locking political horns with every Republican I could find, I also started flying off the handle in unrelated situations.  I was yelling at my neighbors when they asked me to turn down the Chromeo, and shattering empty High Life bottles on the sidewalk outside of Pat Fannie’s because they don’t allow indoor heaters.  You got me riled up, Sarah.  And my aggression was unfortunately extending beyond mere political discourse.

This type of militant liberalism and general douchebaggery was exhausting, for sure.  But ever since that Tuesday night when staffers banned you from the podium as John McCain was graciously conceding defeat in the presidential election, my blood has calmed.

I won’t soon forget, though, your unique ability to get a rise out of me.  And even though you seem to be more ubiquitous than ever due to a decision to start giving real interviews after the election, your asinine, incoherent babbling doesn’t really get to me anymore.  Because now, not only are you a complete idiot, but you are a completely irrelevant idiot.

I took that sneer on your face when you first mentioned Barack Obama’s Ivy League education as an ad-hoc admission of your mental incompetence, but I don’t think you are grasping the “irrelevant” part yet.  Let me assure you: To anyone in this country that knows dick from balls, you are back to being irrelevant.  In our minds, you are simply the governor of the least densely populated state in the country, hopefully a cautionary tale to any future politician that may consider cynically underestimating the decency of the American electorate, and at the end of the day, a complete nobody.

Don’t get me wrong, I bet there are plenty of people out there will disagree with me.  Inexplicably, some see you as a charismatic rising star in the Republican party.  They must have access to a secret YouTube channel or some sort of closed circuit feed from an alternate universe where you actually have the ability to extemporaneously answer a simple question without sounding like a MADtv character, because I just don’t understand how anyone can find you anything but unbearably annoying.

If you want an example of a charismatic Republican, take a look at Mike Huckabee or Bobby Jindal or Ron Paul.  I don’t agree with everything they say, but these are smart, well-spoken people with real ideas and a real understanding of how the world works.  You… not so much.  In addition to being stupid, when it comes to gravitas, I think you fall somewhere between Ann Coulter and a bad case of gonorrhea.  I sincerely pity any batshit right-wing loon who thinks it’s a good idea to hitch their wagon to your star.

So, please, take this opportunity to fade into the oblivion where someone of your mental and moral stature belongs.  I am not saying you belong in Alaska, as I would hate to insult the citizens of that state by unfairly associating them with a moron like yourself.  I am just saying you should be out of the national spotlight, especially at such a pivotal moment in our nation’s history.  For the sake of the country, and of the world, please just go away.

P.S. – Good luck balancing that state budget now that the price of oil is dropping.