The Barryfest Chronicles

“In the olden times, they used to take the most beautiful man in the village and make him king.”  -Kenny

There were plenty of things that made the last season of The Real World interesting.  Not least of which was the fact that MTV was finally admitting (or at least acknowledging) the recent devolution of what used to be their most relevant brand.  Starting around the time they got the cameras rolling in Key West, almost every cast member of every season since has entered the Real World house with only one goal: cultivate a memorable persona to push back the “Sell By” date on whatever new found celebrity they emerge with after the series airs.  Whether they were forthcoming about this or not, they all wanted to be famous.

So when I found out the premise of The Real World: Hollywood – all the roommates are fully disclosing their aspirations to be actors/producers/models/music artists/TV personalities right off the bat and their “job” for the season involves little more than taking improv lessons from the woman who set Andy Dick loose on the world and making show biz connections – I was not at all surprised that MTV was voluntarily yanking whatever wool remained from over the eyes of the small population that still watched the network’s shows in earnest.  Although I ended up enjoying the season, I was a bit disappointed and missed the artistry required of the producers and host city to devise hokey jobs that serve no public good and only offer a thin semblance of responsibility.

Well, much like they did in Hollywood, MTV has intentionally removed all pretense and context from the latest RW/RR offering.  No more waking up at the crack of noon and competing in pesky “challenges,” or enduring the hassle of dealing with the members of your assigned “team.”  For the first 25 minutes of the show, it appeared as though there was only one objective and goal this season:

Get drunk.  Even though the contestants were greeted with only a few bags of rice, a single pot of boiled chicken and the realization that they had nothing but their non-dominant hand with which to wipe their ass, it sure as hell looked like they had a shit load of booze at their disposal.

Surely this couldn’t be it.  I know many shows are still feeling the effect of last fall’s writer’s strike, but there had to be more to this challenge than alcohol and night swimming.  Thankfully, the incomparable TJ Lavin soon hit the scene and started explaining the rules of the game, which involve airdrops, rafts, treasure and… CORE ARMY CHARACTERISTICS?!?!?!

After what quickly turned into a bullshit propaganda speech from TJ, I expected the Party Posse to pop out of the first airdrop and start signing “Yvan Eht Nioj.”  For fuck’s sake man, I almost gave the entire series the old “heave ho” right then and there.  I sure hope that the tax dollars that are being used by the US Armed Forces to underwrite an MTV program were not the ones that were originally earmarked for, I don’t know, better armor on a Humvee or maybe a few extra flak jackets.

What kind of an ROI could the Army be expecting with this ruse?  Did anyone wake up this morning and call their local recruiter because they watched Kenny spend 20 minutes calling Tonya a retard?  What about the part where Jenn was talking about how she isn’t into girls but likes making out with Rachel?  Was that supposed to renew my patriotism and sense of civic duty?  Because it actually made me want to hit myself in the dick with a ball-peen hammer.

Lame attempt at brainwashing aside, I can’t really see to much to be excited about this time around.  There’s no CT, no Alton, no Brad, no Cara, no Tim, no Randy, no Jodi, no Katie and no Casey.  Instead, we’re treated to Dunbar from Sydney (that is the only season of any Real World that I have deemed officially “unwatchable”), Dan from Road Rules Viewer’s Revenge (I still have not met a single person that was following Road Rules by the time his trip reached the airwaves), and another serving of Eve (back again with her black visor and man-hating aggression).

KellyAnne got a beautiful new set of tits and Tyrie looks like he finally got his hands on some Winstrol, which are both good things, I guess.  And I am still a pretty big Kenny fan, although after hearing him offer commentary for the better part of this hour long episode I feel like it is only a matter of time before he hops in a boat with Opie and straps on some waterskis.

But considering how weak the cast is shaping up to be, if I have to sit through anything else that sounds like a ROTC training session (or another commercial for Paris Hilton’s New BFF, for that matter) I am going to skull fuck my television and throw it out the window.